Gilmore's Blog

Happy Thanksgiving to all! Don’t forget to take a moment to reflect on what you’re thankful for! =D

Stay safe, all my Central Texas friends. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Seems like we’re all a step closer to crazy. I’d like to think we can retreat, but we’re all on one of those fast-moving walkway thingies.

Ping test.

Thank God that’s over. 2009, that is.

2009 can easily be described as the most botched up year in my life (as eluded to in several earlier posts). While there was some great “good” that occurred in 2009, there were far more unwelcome experiences that really made an emotional and mental impact on my life up to this point.

And I know I’m not alone.

Separation, divorce, job loss, financial loss, a failed business start-up, job hunt failures, with a side of tremendous mental anguish seemed to be the top headlines of my 2009. It was incredibly difficult to keep my head on straight for the last 6 or so months, but I’m a strong willed kind of guy, so I guess I managed to persevere.

It’s great to look back on some of my earlier blog posts to see where my head was at during certain points of last year; how I thought I had it “all figured out”, and how looking back on it now, the universe managed to keep throwing me curve balls.

The last time I updated my blog, my girlfriend Rebekah and I were in the process of moving to Chicago so I could pursue music full time. I was under the impression that getting a job would be much easier in a huge city, since I had so many connections there. Moving there would also mean I’d be closer to family, and I’d be able to pursue the one thing that I truly have a passion for – music. I kid you not, everything was falling into place like crazy; the move was made to a house next door to Shawn, he and I re-connected and started rehearsing in our basement that was converted to a recording/rehearsal space, we started finding band members to complete our group, Rebekah enrolled at the Art Institute in Schaumburg; everything was looking up! Or so I thought….

Apparently, getting any sort of job in a large city is even more difficult than getting a job in a small city.

Insert opportunity: A gaming company out in Las Vegas was interested in hiring me. They contacted me one week after we moved to Chicago, and in a bizarre turn of events, we negotiated salary before I even interviewed. Now this posed some uber-conflict: do I take the gig in Vegas? Or do I undo all the momentum that was gained in moving to Chicago to pursue my love of music, taking my chances and working 3+ minimum wage jobs in Chicago? Long story short, I took the Vegas job; the opportunity seemed much to great to pass up. After all, I was in one hell of a financial hole from being unemployed for 8+ months. So after having all our stuff unpacked for a total of 2 weeks, it got all packed up again for the move out to Vegas.

So to Vegas we went. We arrived in early November and lived out of a hotel for a little over a month, which was a living hell in and of itself. I started work in mid-November and we found a house to rent out by December 1st. By December 10th, I had $120 to my name. Talk about starting out with nothing.

Am I out of the woods? Not by a long shot. However, it does feel like I am turning a corner, and am in the process of regaining some stability. I am very optimistic about 2010, and while I feel there are a few more hurdles I’ll need to jump through, I suspect they will be far fewer this year. The vast majority of my hurdles will be financially based, since my being unemployed for so long has financially wiped me out. 2010 will be a year of financial damage control, and since I’m strong willed and determined, I’m up for the challenge.

So what about the music? Well, in my mind, there’s no reason why I can’t have my cake and eat it too. I’m weighing my options and looking into a several opportunities, but needless to say, I will still pursue writing, recording, and performing music out here. Hell, I can imagine no better place to perform than out here in Vegas!

Until next time,

:: Gilmore

So, now that you’ve had a short primer on synchronicity, allow me to illustrate what I’ve come to realize is what I believe to be my life’s direction and focus. You may want to take a potty break and grab a coffee for this one; it’s a bit long. If you’re a music lover, you may enjoy this….

My first memory of hearing music was when I was 2, which would have put it about 1975. It was Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven”. No, I didn’t make the decision I was going to be a musician at that point; hell, I was still poopin’ in my diapers and taking naps. My next music memory was listening to the radio in my bedroom around 1979. Ironically enough, I had heard Led Zeppelin’s “What is and What Should Never Be”. At the time, I had no idea who sang the song, but I just remember really getting into the song.

Shortly thereafter, I received a tape recorder for a birthday or Christmas present and began the highly taboo ritual (at that time) of taping the radio – commercials and all. I suppose that’s where my musical education started. Thank you, WIOT-FM in Toledo for educating me on who sang what. I learned all about Led Zeppelin, KISS, Van Halen, Judas Priest, Journey, Styx, AC/DC, the Rolling Stones, etc, etc. As before, I passionately got into the songs from both a mental and emotional level. It got to the point where I was singing a song every moment of everyday in my head (sort of like my own mental iPod).

Throughout the 80s, my musical catalog grew rapidly. I became obsessed with all forms of rock n’ roll. In 1989, I remember my first job working in a grocery store while in high school. I worked with a great guy who was into the rock scene as well, and I remember confronting him about this song I remember hearing years back and wondering who sang it. I sang a few bars of “What is and What Should Never Be”, and he said, “Oh, man, that’s Led Zeppelin! They’re awesome! I remember seeing them in Detroit back in ’77.” I knew now what I had to do – find the album that that song was on!

Well, over a range of months, I managed to purchase the entire Led Zeppelin catalog. To this day, its one of the best investments I’ve ever made. Still, at the time, though, I really had no desire to be a musician; I just loved music.

Upon graduating high school, I found myself at Penn State in 1991. Things then took one hell of a 180. My musical education diversified. Instead of listening to the rock hits of the 70s and 80s, I was introduced to other forms of music: jazz, blues, folk, metal, and this new genre called “grunge”. My mind nearly imploded. Then I went to Toys ‘R Us one weekend, walked through the front door, and there in glass case in front of me sat the most beautiful thing in the world – a Synsonics Terminator guitar.

For $99, I thought it was the deal of a lifetime, so I picked one up. I brought it back to the dorm room, put batteries in it, and then I sat in bewilderment. How the hell do I play this thing? How the hell do I tune it? Did I get in over my head?

Well, as luck would have it, I managed to befriend a bass player down the hall, and he proceeded to teach me how to tune it, and some basic open chords: A, C, D, E, and G.  He also showed me B and F, but those seemed way too complicated for me to attempt. So back to my dorm room I went.

I practiced for hours, days, weeks, and months. Not one lesson – it was all done by ear and by playing along with my rock n’ roll idols. It showed in my near failing grades the first year of college. I couldn’t get enough of it, though. It was truly an addiction. I learned how to balance the guitar, though, with my studies, and managed to bring myself back to near academic excellence.

I played that guitar so much, I managed to literally wear the frets out on it. The string buzz was insane, and it became nearly impossible to play. I ended up dumping the guitar and picking up another kid’s Charvel Charvette and his 60 watt amp. My friend Mark (the bass player) took the amp, and I took the guitar. We split the cost and I was good to go again.

In 1993, I transferred schools and majors. I went to school closer to home and got into the music scene a bit more. I never played out, but I did have the opportunity to play with over a half dozen bands in “jam sessions”. An incredible amount of fun, but figured I could never do it for a living. So I finished school, and got a job in the video game industry.

Even while I was working, I found time to get together with people to “jam” with. While still fun, I continued to have the belief that I could never do it full time. After a few years in the video game industry, I moved to Chicago and began work in the casino gaming industry. I started investing in musical gear and began working on my own musical compositions. In the summer of 2004, I started playing during lunch breaks with a couple of fellow musicians, Shawn and Marshall. We had a blast, and even managed to put together a set list for future gigs and started writing and recording original compositions; the furthest step I’d ever taken pursuing a musical journey!

We managed to play one gig – which happened to be my going away party at a place called Crush in Chicago (in early 2005). It was all acoustic, yet felt very electric! Shawn was a bit distraught over my decision to leave Chicago for the “greener” pastures of Phoenix; we’d made so much progress musically that he could see the potential of our success, but again, I didn’t think it would be possible to make a living playing music, and besides, I was making good money in the industry I was in.

I assured him I would do whatever I could to get him into the same company I went to work for. We said our good-byes and I left for Phoenix.

In Phoenix, a lot of what I’ll just call “bad business” went down job-wise. I wasn’t out there 2 months and I lost my job. So, while off work, Shawn and I kept in contact and tried to do the long distance recording thing. We both ended up being to busy, though, and that all kind of petered out.

In the fall of 2006, I landed a new job in Austin, Texas, and once again, I tried to get Shawn on board at the company I was working for. No-go. I spent much of 2006-2009 creating new musical compositions when I wasn’t at work and sending them to Shawn for critique. He liked a lot of stuff I was working on, and again re-iterated (as he did countless times in the past 4 years) how awesome it would be if we could work together again musically. While I agreed, in the back of my mind, I still had that nagging thought I could never pursue music full time.

Then I got laid off in March of this year. I was under the impression that my being laid off was an opportunity to start my own gaming company. While it was a good idea in premise, it ended up not panning out. Then I thought it was an opportunity to get another job. Not even close. Almost a half dozen job opportunities that vaporized before my eyes over the past 3 months. Having setback after setback triggered a world of emotion and one thought that has been in the back of my mind for about 5 years:

Was this an opportunity to pursue music full time? Perhaps.

In order to consider that, though, I felt like I needed to see “signs”. What I didn’t realize is I already had a whole bunch of signs right in front of me; they were all the synchronicities of my past. I just needed to open my mind to put those pieces of the puzzle together. So I did, and here they are:

• Every waking moment of my life both consciously and subconsciously has some sort of musical soundtrack to it (either by my making or by remembering a song from my past).
• I managed to learn the ins and outs of the guitar all by ear – not a lick of music theory in this noggin!
• Creating and playing music has always come extremely easy for me.
• I’ve had many opportunities to play with others, and not one person had anything negative to say about my playing or my songwriting abilities. In fact, it’s always been just the opposite!
• I’ve aligned myself with people who have had (or currently have) experience in the music industry.

So I thought, “What if I allowed myself to pursue music full time?” Would this be an option? Here’s how the universe said, “YES!”:

• My standard of living has been gradually lowering month by month to the point of now, I can almost live on $0 a week. Keep in mind I used to live (aside from groceries) on at least $150 a week.
• Rebekah, my girlfriend, needed to start going back to school by October to prevent her needing to pay back her student loans. There just happens to be a branch of the school she attends outside of Chicago (where I used to live and play with Shawn). She’s officially enrolled.
• But before we enrolled Rebekah, we decided to drive up to Chicago last week to visit the school. Before we left, Shawn proceeded to let me know that the house next to his was up for rent, and has been sitting unoccupied for quite a few months now, and that maybe we could get a good deal on it. We did.
• Shawn and I now have a potential drummer, and we’re actively searching for a bassist. I imagine by the time I move up there, the right one will have come along.

It is really quite remarkable how everything is falling into place so quickly when you just ALLOW. It wasn’t until just last week that I “allowed” the universe to handle everything. Everything I was resisting personally was simply persisting. It wasn’t until I asked myself, “What if?” and just let everything go did things start to pop.

The near future will be very interesting to experience, and I can’t wait to share it with all of you! But for now, Rebekah and I need to finish packing the house, for we are moving to Chicago next Saturday, and we start loading the truck on Thursday.

Until next time,

:: Gilmore

The nice thing about these blogs is the opportunity to keep you all informed as to what’s up with my life at a given point in time. There’s so much to tell; where do I begin.

Perhaps I should start where my last post left off. It’s truly amazing what an outpouring of support occurred from my Drought post a while back. Sometimes when you write a post like that, you never know what to expect. Sure, it may have been highly personal, but I never expected the responses I’ve received. It felt good to get those words out of my head and on to “paper”. Do understand that I’m truly thankful and grateful for all the love, support, energy, and kind words you all have given me.

2009 continues to be an incredibly eye-opening year for me. This year is like no other I’ve ever experienced in my life. What’s more, I’ve discovered some amazing personal insights that are allowing me to discover who I am and what I’m becoming; and I think I’m gonna like it! Allow me to share:

Insight #1: I’ve been living life on auto-pilot. It’s really easy to go day in and day out doing the same damn things over and over again. It’s comfortable. Get up, go to work, come home, sleep, wash, rinse, and repeat. Losing my job back in March taught me that everyday can be something new, unique, and exciting. The divorce taught me that as well.

Insight #2: I’m not supposed to get a job doing the same thing I’ve been doing for the past 13 years. Why? Oh, that would be too “comfortable”. And believe you me, it wasn’t from a lack of trying. In fact, over the summer, I had over a half dozen potential job opportunities that popped up, seemed like a sure thing, and then vanished before my eyes due to a wide and bizarre range of reasons. Incredibly stressful, which leads to:

Insight #3: I no longer have a death grip on money. Sure, you may think money makes the world go round, but it’s really the the law of conservation of angular momentum. The universe is abundant in every way, and there’s plenty of moolah out there for me. I’m lining up with allowing it as I type this. My life will not end if I don’t have money; I’ll eat twigs and berries if I have to in order to survive.

Insight #4: It’s all about synchronicity. Here’s a point that I want to expound upon, because I think a lot of people don’t give this concept a lot of thought. I pretty much live my life by it. A quick wiki on the subject matter discloses the following:

Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events that are causally unrelated occurring together in a meaningful manner. To count as synchronicity, the events should be unlikely to occur together by chance.

Of course, a moderately famous story to illustrate the concept is the following:

The French writer Émile Deschamps claims in his memoirs that in 1805, he was treated to some plum pudding by a stranger named Monsieur de Fontgibu. Ten years later, the writer encountered plum pudding on the menu of a Paris restaurant and wanted to order some, but the waiter told him that the last dish had already been served to another customer, who turned out to be de Fontgibu. Many years later, in 1832, Émile Deschamps was at a diner and was once again offered plum pudding. He recalled the earlier incident and told his friends that only de Fontgibu was missing to make the setting complete—and in the same instant, the now senile de Fontgibu entered the room.

Up next, my synchronicites and what I think I’m really meant to do…. stay tuned – you might be surprised!

:: Gilmore

Somehow I feel compelled to write this entry for several reasons. First, there’s a lot on my mind and it would feel much better to empty some of its contents on here to entertain you, the reader. Second, perhaps by me sharing my experiences, some of you can relate to my situation. No, I’m not looking for sympathy, and no, I’m not looking for any “handouts”; this is not the type of person I am.

Drought…. So let’s see what the definition is: 1. A long period of abnormally low rainfall, especially one that adversely affects growing or living conditions. 2. A prolonged dearth or shortage. Yep. I’ve experienced a lot of drought so far this year. Let me back up by saying that going into 2009, I knew that this would be a year of change. Little did I know that this would also be a year of drought.

In January 2009, I found out that my employment was ending at the end of March. Also in January, I found out I was getting divorced. Being forever the optimist, I felt that these were both opportunities to “start fresh”; a blank slate if you will. I’d recently wanted to create and operate my own gaming company, so I thought both of these events would allow me the time and the effort it would take for me to get something going, hence the creation of innov8tive gaming, llc.

So, April came, I left my job, and promptly began work on a demo with a couple of my ex-coworkers. Needless to say, we were all recently unemployed, and figured that this would be an opportunity to flex our creative muscles and show other gaming companies how to create a kick-ass game the right way. We worked our butts off for a month and hatched an idea that we were all very proud of. I then began the next month contacting publishers to get interest in our product.

Twelve publishers. Ten “no”s. Two “no response”. Drought.

I then didn’t have enough personal capital to pursue the game further, nor demo another idea. innov8tive gaming went on hiatus. Drought.

Feeling a little nervous about that, I then contacted all of my friends I had networked through LinkedIn to see if there was any work. Drought.

Feeling a little more nervous, I then contacted all of my recruiters to see if they had any openings they had heard about. Drought.

I then noticed my bank accounts were draining rapidly without being able to be refilled. Drought.

I had to put my house up for sale in mid-June. Surely the house market is hopping over the summer, right? Drought.

You know, central Texas is going through a drought right now. Lake Travis is at its lowest level in 25 years. I can relate. Every once in a while, though, a rain shower comes along, though, to ease the pain just a little. For me, I liken that to filing for unemployment. I did. And I must admit, has eased the pain a little.

And another interesting correlation I can draw between the weather and my situation is this: For the past month, there have been complexes of storms in north Texas that form in the evening hours and make a B-line straight towards Austin, but just as they come within 50 miles of town the next morning, they magically dissipate. EVERY TIME.

And much like the situation above, every time I have received a job lead and followed up on it, right when it seems like things are going to click, communication evaporates. EVERY TIME.

Hey, I know these are tough times, but sometimes I sit and wonder, “How many are in my situation?” “How many are just as bad off as me, or even worse?” Well, since I had to discontinue my Dish service last month to save money, I’ve been forced to watch local television, including for the first time in quite a few months, the evening news. I never really put much stock in the evening news, simply (and this is my opinion) because they try to focus on as much negative information as possible. That being said, the underlying tone is there: economically, things are not good. Drought.

So its really no wonder job leads evaporate. It’s not because of my skills. I know I’m amazing at what I do. I know I’m an amazing person (both inside, and to know). I know Austin is an amazing city; it deserves rain as much as I deserve a job.

When situations like this happen, though, I become introspective and pull back to try to look at this from a “higher-self” perspective.  The fact that I’m receiving leads and they evaporate – what is this telling me? Am I wanting a job so much that I’m just in a perpetual state of “want” and never “receive”? Do I enjoy the “almost getting the interview” sensation so much that I just keep perpetuating that process? Do I really not want a job (a form of resistance)? Do I really want to follow my passion for recording and playing music instead?

Another thought, courtesy of my soon-to-be ex-wife (and yet fabulous best friend). She asked, “Are you OK with where you are right this second? Perhaps the reason why you are not moving forward is that you’re not happy with where you are right now.” And I think she may have pinpointed it (thanks Christine!).

I can honestly say that no, I’m not content. I’m not happy. I do not like where I am right now. It feels like everything around me is evaporating like the remaining moisture in the already parched soil beneath my feet. I mentally curse at mother nature when I look at the weather radar as much I curse at the “Job Gods” when I look at my inbox and phone messages and see nothing.

I think along with that, though, I am in a perpetual state of want. I need to be in a perpetual state of “receiving”. But to do that, I need to get into the habit again of practicing gratitude. Doing that allows me to become more expansive and open to receiving.

A-ha! Are those rain clouds beginning to appear? Perhaps….

I think I need to do a rain dance of gratitude. What does that look like? Well, allow me to provide some information on that subject, courtesy of Roxanne Howe-Murphy:

There is a “continuum” of gratitude consisting of 6 dimensions.  Each is identified below, along with a particular example or practice.

1) Recognize specific aspects of your life for which you are grateful.

Identify some of the specific aspects of life for which you are grateful.

For example, set aside two-three times/week to reflect on and write about what you are grateful for and why you are grateful for that particular experience.  Allow yourself to feel the gratitude, so that you are not just thinking about it, but also noticing how it affects your heart.

2) Identify a ‘present moment’ awareness for which you are grateful; about yourself, about others, about your opportunities or about your life.

For example, when you are in a particular situation at work, at home, with a friend or family member, you might ask yourself the following:

What am I particularly grateful for about this situation?

3)      Express gratitude to others.

Identify 10 people (if you have trouble with this, start with identifying one or two people) who have had a positive impact on your life.

How could you express your appreciation to these important people?

For example, you might write a personal letter thanking each person for his or her specific influence on you and send it by snail mail.  Can you imagine the impact that would have on them?

4) Find the gifts in difficult circumstances or difficult relationships and experience gratitude for those gifts.

For example, see a person perceived as being the source of difficulty as a ‘teacher’ of something that you are learning.  Asking yourself, “What is this person here to teach me?” is a powerful question.  Many of my clients have found this to be a potent source of change in their lives.

5)   Receive gratitude from others.

Practice receiving gratitude and thanks from others.

Sometimes, this can feel more difficult than expressing your gratitude.  Even if this is so, acknowledge it and experiment with accepting positive regard and appreciation from others.  (I know.  For some of you, this breaks all your old rules.)

6) Be a person of gratitude.

When you practice recognizing the gifts of life, expressing thanks and receiving the gratitude of others, you may notice that you’ll experience a qualitative difference in your life.  You start to live from this quality.  You become a force for this healing quality.

This continuum of recognizing—to acting upon—to being/living from—naturally will begin to re-orient your life toward more expansiveness.

So with that, I think I’ve run out of thoughts and have finally emptied my mind and feel much better. Drought.

:: Gilmore

Ok, so if you’re a fan of the Galactic Cowboys, you’ll understand the title of the post. If not, well, then, I guess I need to supply a link to the GC song: poop. It’s not up on youtube. Oh well, here’s a link to another great GC song, “Future“.

It’s off the album “Let It Go”. It was the last album that the Cowboys made before they broke up. Such a great band. It’s sort of the way I’m feelin’ right now. I’ve had a great run at Multimedia Games, and to be let go is so incredibly bittersweet. What makes it even more bittersweet is the conscious decision to officially step out of the casino gaming industry, an industry I’ve called “home” for 10 years. Before I left, I sent my friends and coworkers an email I’ll share with you:

Friends & Colleagues,

Ten years ago, I made a decision that had a profound impact on my life. I took a chance on a headhunter’s prodding and left the volatile video game industry for an industry I knew absolutely nothing about: casino games. I’ve worked at WMS Gaming, Atronic Americas, and most recently here at Multimedia Games. Little did I know that an industry I knew nothing about would teach me so much about how to be a great artist, a great game designer, a great producer, how to leave the math to the mathematicians, and most importantly, how to follow my passion and my dreams.

I’ve really enjoyed my tenure here, and really wish it could’ve lasted forever. With this being my last day here at MGAM, I would like to take this opportunity to express my sincere gratitude and thanks to each and every one of you for welcoming me into the MGAM family with open arms. Never have I worked with such an amazing group of people I will forever consider my extended family. As sappy as it may sound, you all really do mean the world to me, and I wish and expect nothing but success for all of you and MGAM; it is well deserved.

For those of you that want to keep in touch, there’s only one place you need to go: www.jasongilmore.com. There, I’ll be writing in my blog about the new endeavors I’m embarking upon, and hope to hear from you all at some point or another in the future.

I hope this note finds you happy, healthy and most importantly, pursuing your dreams.

Today marks the end of the beginning for me. Tomorrow, I become President and CEO of innov8tive gaming, llc. But for now, I must take some time to celebrate with my soon to be ex-coworkers and friends. My future is bright, and I full intend on keeping you all up to date on my successes in the days, weeks, and months to come!

Gilmore

It’s often been said that the only constant in this universe is change. While many of you think that doing the same things day in and day out are not change, they really are. You see, every minutia of every second of every day is not the same. Just as you breathe out in one moment, you breathe in the next moment. Again, while you do not perceive that as change, it really is, due to the fact that the molecules you are breathing in and out are different from one moment to the next. Every cell in your body goes through a creation, living, and dying process. Again, you do not notice it, but your body is changing constantly.

Bringing the concept up to a conscious level, I am willing to bet that each one of you are doing at least one thing different that does not make today an exact carbon copy of yesterday. Maybe you take a different route to work. Maybe you say hello to someone you didn’t say hello to previously. Maybe you’re eating somewhere different for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. It’s all change, my friends.

Now let’s bring that up to yet a different level – your life. More specifically, your life path. This is where people most relate to the concept of life being the same day in and day out (aka “boring”). You feel that there is no change, and there will never be any change. Some on this spiritual plane are resistant to change, and others thrive in it. I am constantly reminded that the reason we are here on this spiritual plane is to experience not just changing events, but changing events that trigger positive and negative emotions.

We are here to experience all the emotions we do not feel when we are with source (or God as some like to call it). When we are with source, we feel only love. In this plane, we are supposed to feel feelings of sorrow, anger, jealousy, boredom, rage, guilt, shock, and fear (to name a few) in addition to all the good feelings of love, joy, gratefulness, happiness, optimism, and comfort. The simple truth is, no one really wants to experience those negative feelings, but I would be willing to bet that each one of you reading this has felt all of these feelings at some point in your life. I have. I would also be willing to bet that an event in your life “changed” to make you feel one of the above emotions. While it feels great to be happy and loving, it’s also interesting to see how some experiences that trigger the negative emotions seem to resonate more with people.

Which leads me to my next curiosity: Do you ever wonder why people are so into reality shows and the evening news? Those are “feeling inducing” (or change) events shown to illicit those negative emotions that we subconsciously are here to experience. I bet when you listen to the news, you get bummed out. I know I do. There’s nothing wrong with that, but experiencing those emotions through someone else’s experiences kind of defeat the point of our presence on this plane. When we live vicariously through other’s experiences, and look at our life as it unfolds, we take the stance that ours is a life that is “boring” and non-changing.

So where am I going with this? Go out and experience life as it unfolds. The first hand experiences you have (either positive or negative) are what makes life exciting and “changing”. Remember that we are here for the experiences, not to live through others. This is something I’m still learning to do.

Gilmore